Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
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Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
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No one: I can hear screaming
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired