I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
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I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.