Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
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I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I’m listening
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.