Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
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I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.