Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
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*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style