He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
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Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Sex so good you see dead people.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
If you know, you know
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow