Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
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A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]