So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
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parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”