My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
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HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.