interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
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#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Good morning, Twitter x
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.