Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
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50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.