My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
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I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.