Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
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My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
calling in to work dehydrated
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door