Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
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I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener