Fighting on twitter be like 馃ぃ
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I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I鈥檒l have to date a were-chicken.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
interviewer: why鈥檇 you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you鈥檙e fired
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can鈥檛 stand ice skating
me: you鈥檒l be able to with practice
God: you鈥檒l protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep 鈥榚m safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn鈥檛 freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are鉂わ笍
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Wait for it! 馃ぃ馃憦馃槤
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic