*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
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Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing