*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
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*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.