“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
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Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic