a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
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[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries