I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
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“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.