Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
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[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke