me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
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My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
*puts cutlery down*
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front