[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
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i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
British websites use biscuits.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look