It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
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Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
This is amazing.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.