I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
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Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on