My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
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HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
barbara was highly relatable
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?