Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
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hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Spider-cat: No One Home
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
shut up and take my money
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.