“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
You Might Also Like
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.