Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
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uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*