One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
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Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?