ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
You Might Also Like
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.