ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
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Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.