boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
You Might Also Like
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
a lot to unpack here
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
The USS B port
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
just gave your address to some spiders
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple