Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
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The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom