I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
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my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
then why did i get this email
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.