This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
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but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.