If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
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Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”