[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
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My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Somebody call the cops.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!