When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
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For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.