If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
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hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
☺️
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
i dont have time for this
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases