[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
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whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I put the mess in domestic.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.