[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
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Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”