Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
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I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Worth a try
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.