People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
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Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I have so many questions.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.