2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
You Might Also Like
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
(Gaming support cat.)
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.