Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
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be careful
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!