I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
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Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.