I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
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All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed