Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
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If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)