Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
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After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
My dad teaching me to drive
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world